Having a bad night...

Went out to a bridal show with a friend; ended up drinking at a wing place. Was supposed to be home at 6:30; ended up home 3 hours later. Mom not talking to me now; she thinks I was with HIM, since I went to church with HIM earlier. but I wasn't, was with a g-friend. Doesn't matter, she wont believe me. BAD to be 30 and have to answer to everybody else. Makes me think I should be completely (except for children) alone, so I don't have to listen to anyone else or put anyone down again. Mom was baby-sitting though, so it is my fault, but I was only out drinking, not with HIM at all. Why would I lie on here?? Mom doesn't even know I have this anyway, no one does except 2 people I know...

Anyway, while our drinking, I was being my usual social self and had many men seemingly turn me down (not that I was looking at all) but seemed interested in my friend. It's the kids, I know. I'm having a sad, poor, pity me night now. But who can I blame but myself?? I guess this is the way I've created my life and now I'm here to live alone, at least until then children get older and can make it on their own.

And even then, makes me think there is something wrong with ME and I don't even need to date anyway. Why else would I be dumb enough to be in this spot in the 1st place??

No one even reads this except the 2 people who know about it. What does that say in itself? It's all me man, all me. Just need to accept this and live life as is...

New Quote for Me!!!

A wise girl kisses, but doesn’t love; listens, but doesn’t believe; and leaves, before she gets left.

This may explain why I feel I can't date right now...

(written by a hurt man)

As I stare deep into her eyes, I see all time has stopped. She smiles and it makes me smile, even though I know this smile is not meant for me. It makes me warm until I stare deeper into her eyes and I see the man whom the smile is meant for. His little grin burns my soul. In her eyes my wish to hold her is destroyed by the embrace they share. That’s the pain I feel.... that you wont see in her eyes...

Another day in the life...

I'm having a sad night too... Why? I dunno. Went to church though. Trying to get into something with some meaning, and why not the best meaning of all??

So HE said last night that he has to let me go, because I've have so much hatred in my heart and he can't handle it. What about all that I handled trying to make it work for 5 years? HE says he's not as strong as I am.

So, I guess I've talked to him maybe 4 times today? I talked to him an hour ago, on my way home from church, and he was drunk, said he had to call and get pizza, haven't heard since. I think he was lying, but what's new I suppose?

Maybe that's why I'm upset? Because I thought maybe last night he was really seeing something? But back to the same shit today? What is wrong with me???? Sigh.

Anyway, learned a new verse at church that really hit home for me because I asked God maybe 3 times(?) during our relationship for a sign, anything, to show me that HE was the one for me, and each time something bad happened. I refused to listen, told God I was going to stick by him anyway.

The verse is Luke 11:10 and it says something like "Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened". Made sense to me in what I'm going through right now.

I've built this wall, I've yet to cry or give a damn. Guess that's why I didn't cry last night. So why be upset now?

Oh well.... Maybe HE's on a date again... HE said the other day that HE only did what HE did because I let him and I went off on him. But I must ignore the comment because I know drug users always blame it on somebody else. Whatever. When I started going off he changed his tune, but I told him he needed to re-word himself or something because everything he's saying is coming out wrong. Maybe this is what worked for him on me in the past? And I just didn't notice? But my eyes are wide open now and there's no way I'm taking any blame for him, or feeling guilty, or falling for that ploy so he can move back in. Arrrrgggg!!

Is there something wrong with me?

I know that it's not really me, or is it? Two divorces and one failed relationship later, where do I stand? I am a single mother of four who is completely dependent on everyone else, and I'm not used to that at all.

The only reason my first marriage was ever created was because my parents (mom and step-dad, only dad I've known) we're splitting up. Dad was moving over 16 hours away. I was 17 and rebellious. I wanted a family of my own, so I threw away any thoughts of college or any after life for me, choose a kid from school, and got pregnant. That led to marriage, so on, so forth. We were never meant to be, so we did not last but a year and a half. He were both physically abusive to each other (cops several times), and he admitted to cheating on me with a 13 year old girl. I moved back in with mom and dad, who were back together again.

Next marriage: my mom pushed me to meet people on the internet, and I met him the same month my divorce became final. Then she decided she didn't want me to hang out with him, I did anyway, so she kicked me out. I moved in with him, became pregnant again, and married again (not that it was mom's fault; hindsight says I should have stayed with a girlfriend instead).
We were not compatible either, so we lasted maybe 3 years. He was (is) a self-centered, conceited person, who towards the end, choose bars ad strip clubs over me. Even wanted me to go with him. But I was over him long before that. Don't know if I was ever really into him... Maybe his ways were a good excuse for me to leave.

So, the weekend before the weekend I was to move, I went to visit family. I don't know if I was trying to give it one last go, but I invited him, and he said no. His brother and a friend were staying at our house at the time, and he wanted to stay with them I suppose (yes, I cleaned up after ALL of them, nasty people). I even got a flat tire on the way there, alone, with a 2 and 5 year old, on a stretch of interstate where there is absolutely nothing, and he would not help me. I had to call 911 to help when a truck kept passing by me, stalking like. That was definitely it for me.

So, that same weekend, I went out with a girlfriend, and met someone new. I was so excited, the first person I had really met on my own, so on. I wasn't even looking, it just appeared to be fate. He said he had a job, car, etc. All those things I knew was a must (after the fact of my previous incidents). He seemed so perfect, good to the kids, etc. He came to visit me on the weekends, gave me money to cover bills, etc. He moved in about four months after we met.

During our five years together, let me see if I can recall everything, but probably not. He cheated, used drugs (many times, more than I even know I'm sure), been arrested so many times, almost choked me to death, used me, etc. There are so many details, I really have to think to write them all down. It's a gosh darn book! But yet I still stayed....

The last time I confronted his drug use, wondering why he could stay up all night, mow the lawn at 5 am, and then go to bed, he admitted to it. He was hanging at the strip clubs, blowing his money on coke. I asked him to leave and he went to his mom's, who died almost two months later from cancer. He came back, but it's not been the same. He went away to work, staying with family. There was one night with no call and no phone answer, and another DUI arrest, and he spent 2 months in there. It's still not the same. I told him not to come back until he could get serious help.

But he says since his mom died, he's seen the error in his ways and how important family is, etc. I don't know if he's used since, but how would I? I told him he said he's sorry, he's seen the error, and he'll change, every time he's gotten caught screwing up. So he says he doesn't remember saying that and if he did then he didn't mean it. So you mean it now??

Had an incident with a condom in the trash, VERY recently, while I was away, he said he used it on himself while masturbating, to place over a vibrator and place it in the rear so as not to mess up the toy... Is that for real??? He's been confessing his love for me constantly, hing to worm his way back in here. Then he says he went on a date, because he didn't know if I was really interested in him anymore, but he felt guilty and had to tell me, but when he was kissing her, he realized he wanted to be with me. So, you love me, you love me, but let me date on the side??? Funny, he said he didn't know where our relationship stood when he cheated the 1st time I found out. I'm sure they have been more times, but why care at this point?

I'm so tired of lies, so tired of crying, being used, getting my calls ignored, etc. I can't cry to my friends because they've heard it so much, it's old and frustrating. I was the dumb ass who kept on staying, kept on taking it and taking it. Before he left the last time, I didn't cry about it. I think I've built a wall because I don't want to feel anymore. I didn't even cry when his mom died. How have I become so cold???

How can he be for real this time? I want to believe him, and I keep my distance because I know I'll fall for it again. I went through all of this, even had to attend women abuse counseling after the choking incident (the police had to pull him off after my then 8 year old son called them and let them in the house), and I kept trying. Even had 2 kids with him. Why?? What is my mental defect??

This is the one person I've chosen and wanted, I still want him, want the man I know he could be. But can he ever be that person? Even if he could, how can I trust to know for sure this time? He says ever other time he cried for forgiveness must not have been real, so is this time real? His mom dying created a revelation, but the birth of two children did not??

I'll never forget the birthday before my last one. My mom was here, we all had the flu, including the then 10 month old baby, and I was pregnant with the flu (no meds for me!). A pregnant, sick mom trying to take care of everybody. He was not sick, and he went to work (or did he??). Could have stayed home that one day, my birthday, helped take care of people, even come home early. No, he came home about 7, with a friend, and decided that his friend was have relationship problems and needed some comfort. So they left, left to get high together (did not know that then). I wish I would have had the nerve to say NO! I need you, we need you...

So, is he real this time? What does it take for someone like that to change? Or do they ever? What about woman like me? Why do we attract men like this??

I was lonely while he was at his mom's and I cheated. I didn't even feel bad. He cried when he found out, I didn't. Now said man I cheated with wants me, but he's like the rest of them, I'm not interested (the man slept with me while I was drunk and throwing up). I even was asked my number at a festival, but I told him I would not call him (not the type I need either). Wish I had these balls then that I seem to be creating now!!

I know, I have to fix myself as well. I guess I need some support, especially since I've exhausted my friends on this issue. Am I right, and I wrong, do I take him back, can I take him back? I also now I'm not perfect and I've been told plenty that I'm a bitch. I'm sorry if a bitch wants a man to, I don't know, be a man? Be home, keep a job, be involved, want to be there? I know towards the end, he didn't want to be there, you could tell. Part of me wonders if he is only 'comfortable' with me, not really in love or anything like that. Whatcha think people???