Another day in the life...

I'm having a sad night too... Why? I dunno. Went to church though. Trying to get into something with some meaning, and why not the best meaning of all??

So HE said last night that he has to let me go, because I've have so much hatred in my heart and he can't handle it. What about all that I handled trying to make it work for 5 years? HE says he's not as strong as I am.

So, I guess I've talked to him maybe 4 times today? I talked to him an hour ago, on my way home from church, and he was drunk, said he had to call and get pizza, haven't heard since. I think he was lying, but what's new I suppose?

Maybe that's why I'm upset? Because I thought maybe last night he was really seeing something? But back to the same shit today? What is wrong with me???? Sigh.

Anyway, learned a new verse at church that really hit home for me because I asked God maybe 3 times(?) during our relationship for a sign, anything, to show me that HE was the one for me, and each time something bad happened. I refused to listen, told God I was going to stick by him anyway.

The verse is Luke 11:10 and it says something like "Ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened". Made sense to me in what I'm going through right now.

I've built this wall, I've yet to cry or give a damn. Guess that's why I didn't cry last night. So why be upset now?

Oh well.... Maybe HE's on a date again... HE said the other day that HE only did what HE did because I let him and I went off on him. But I must ignore the comment because I know drug users always blame it on somebody else. Whatever. When I started going off he changed his tune, but I told him he needed to re-word himself or something because everything he's saying is coming out wrong. Maybe this is what worked for him on me in the past? And I just didn't notice? But my eyes are wide open now and there's no way I'm taking any blame for him, or feeling guilty, or falling for that ploy so he can move back in. Arrrrgggg!!